Wednesday,
April 28, 1999
This is an actual job application someone submitted at
a fast-food establishment.
NAME:
Greg Bulmash
DESIRED
POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.
DESIRED
SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options
and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an
offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST
POSITION HELD: Target for middle management
hostility.
SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.
MOST
NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible
collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
HOURS
AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED
HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and
Thursday.
DO YOU
HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're
better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE
CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be here?
DO YOU
HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING
UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU
HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE
YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU
SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT
WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.